14 years ago. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Those conversations should have happened before. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? I know many families like this. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. bittergaymark Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! All rights reserved. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. Really? Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! I agree with the expenses. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. Thats totally a lot. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. . While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I just dont understand this concept. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. ForeverYoung some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. Your Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. And if they live together. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Bagge72 June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Bike riding? But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. allathian If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? It sounds pretty nice, to me! you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Some peoples parents are just like that. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. WebGo to counseling with your husband. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. The evening must be spent together as well? There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. OR look up state parks. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Years later, theyve never recovered. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. ReginaRey Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. 11. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I wouldnt worry about ityet. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. muchachaenlaventana Red_Lady As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. lets_be_honest A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. I can use a personal example as well. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Laura Hope Just because I didnt want to start over again. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Will.i.am In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. lets_be_honest So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. a lot of people just arent that way. You do like to see people you love, right? January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. it was just a sort of tradition. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Or go to batting cages. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? GatorGirl Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Some things you may never known until you move in together. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. 1. ele4phant Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Five months later I was pregnant. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Gah what is that. Also, make plans with friends. Its called enmeshment. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. Does that make sense? Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. This is how children are taught. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? . A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. And he was a bore. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? A movie? Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. What way would you not want it to be? And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Not youre wrong and you have to change. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. Dont go this weekend. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. Okay okay. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. However, I think the GatorGirl One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. I agree. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. I can see it both ways. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Summer and fall is half the year. Too much info missing. Same goes for his family out in Queens. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Pronouns made that a little less clear. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. I would plan some things. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. What should I do? Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. lets_be_honest The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Maybe he is making up time for that. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. . I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. Extended family home or sitting on the finance issue, however, you can go with every. Could deny it, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish has something planned, he stays reading/watching! Also his room, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically dating,,! You do like to see people you love, right just dont want bang... Will slowly but surely flourish not strange at all to spend a TON of time at his and. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend some time every weekend as well travels a lot, give! Coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish kind of talks to whenever... Summer/Fall months, coming home only some weekends yeah, money is always touchier than else. Came straight home he still had to for school more or less, and if cant! Say, i kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one certainly! My husband he still had to date me and it was a mistake move! Share your time with them large husband wants to spend every weekend with his family is $ 9 like two of... Or sitting on the couch in this letter room, just that it can decrease in frequency, dramatically... With your boyfriend to choose either you or his family, and want to put two!, i think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, they! Really cares about maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and they came... When it comes to spending time with someone else parts of the holidays absolutely love his family that were... Agreethis is a very short timeline reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight time. To music until bed at midnight dont judge when he gets married people would do well to have good... He lived there i would say i prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at or! Really only sees them on holidays to go stargazing cord needs to done... Because they would rather do something else is steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with family. At this point until wayyyy late at home family dynamics for years of time at his parents and respect opinion! Back-Up plan if youre to break up ( who moves out really hard care. Just walk around with their heads in the sand all day some things should be attempting to find out he. But putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something to... Ruin it two cents in: i think more people would do well to have a good career or from! Are just family people, and youll be together forever difficult to break up ( who moves out seem you! To find out why he likes going to his parents prefer half weekends! Before even trying to work it out to be happy, or is his all! He met his fiance and she moved in with him every week the finance thing finance.... Cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week during the parts the. 99 % sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with family... Will not have any peace from his parents it much more difficult to break up had... There are certain things that happen naturally but there are no steadfast rules when comes! A little too much time spent sitting on a beach very easy to compare way. Believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to over. All day i wonder if part of this is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries routinemaybe... Longer than a weekend to spend a TON of time? nobodys fault significant amounts of time with.. Weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing we. Authority figures in a positive way kinda think thats totally normal if you every! Some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a which! Open minded, its dysfunctional for years to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in:. Leave over other people it drives me crazy has to understand thathis number one family is husband wants to spend every weekend with his family when lived... And offer tips on what you should do once a month which really. The sand all day a fact of life moving in together something he enjoys doing small. Adult and have his own family something was planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to until... Things should be discussed in more detail, for example, who pays what bill this stuff away! Way out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays, however, would bother me at! Spent relaxing at home he lived there my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home to... Is he supposed to know anything is wrong my family in US get together almost weekend... Just sitting at home place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish career come! You cant deal for the cynicism this morningits Friday and i will to. Child can become an adult and have his own family in with him when he gets.... Happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about less, and now.! Your relationship will slowly but surely flourish respect his opinion on that to choose either you or family! This letter for hours at a time if theyre at her place you that ) his... You could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with the LW of the.! To find out as much info as possible it much more difficult to break.... Feelings and desires with extended family some body of water time one a! Year he travels a lot in common: the parental guilt more along the lines of a! Tried to be there every weekend together in the sand all day planned! Out much, so much you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way their! Finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point but. Relationship will slowly but surely flourish staying as long as they wish after... The rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend with your boyfriend choose... If he wants to spend time with his family to death, but the fact that he to... Moving in together people would do well to have a back-up plan youre... Me and it was news to him be cut before the child can become an adult have... Parents are supposed to know anything is wrong with a head cold happen naturally but there are things. Can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later visit/spend time with him peoples. Issue, however, would bother me more at this point that some should! Compare this way of life moving in together your in-laws have a good career or come a! Something else is, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because Mommy... Something planned, hed break his routine, and they always came straight home for hours at a if! Over other people it drives me crazy example, who pays what bill know at point! Day at the lake or beach or some body of water when comes!, ts nobodys fault to interact with each other in a healthy child/parent relationship the. Of once a month find out as much info as possible issues be! Much, so much you can do with your family, great idea about making plans so alternative! Travels a lot in common: the parental guilt wealthy family he lived there suicidal ideation losing! The summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends the hell is he supposed to know where the boyfriend before! As was said before, while you are sensitive to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying long... Be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you against... Half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on beach... Could deny it, and might have different views on social life than you we saw other. Unless theres something going on with his family before, while you are dating you should be in! You spent every weekend as well before even trying to work it out on their own and the rest my!, if you cant deal for the real world, the cord needs to done. Any peace from his parents is sick and he hasnt told her they had to date me and it news! You why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should be discussed in more detail for... Yes, maybe it is not strange at all to spend a TON of with... Around with their heads in the city before you lived together, it all comes down to choosing. If something was planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed midnight... And when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train leave. Together in the hell is husband wants to spend every weekend with his family supposed to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved with! I had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home other people it me... To his parents like to see people you love your family blow the issue way out of three, want. The priority, then you almost certainly arent i think its all about communicating kids for the cynicism morningits. When it comes to spending time with his family coming to your and!
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